Dating (Polyamorous and Otherwise)


I really kind of suck at dating… and being geared towards poly life adds extra complications. This isn’t to say that I am unhappy with my current partners but I do enjoy meeting new people, going on dates, and just exploring the dynamic connection that happens between people. Unfortunately, as a male the responsibility for initiating dates (and any contact really) tends to fall on me and I am awful at reading signals.

In my experience there are really only three places I’ve found there are three options for finding dates: Online, friends, and serendipitous encounters. OkCupid is my dating site of choice because of the strong poly presence and their awesome algorithms that freaking fascinate me. I’m having a mind orgasm just thinking about getting my hand on their data. Anyway, despite the fairly vocal poly presence on OkCupid I still face the problem of initiating contact. My focus for this New Year is very much about building a community here in LA so I am going to try and be a little more proactive online. And really, who wouldn’t want to know me? I’m awesome…

Friends are always a good place to meet new partners and friends but it is important to tread lightly. If a relationship goes poorly you bring non-romantic members of your social circle into a volatile situation. While there is great information in The Ethical Slut about dealing with this type of circumstance it is never easy and rarely goes smoothly. Add the dynamic of being polyamorous I am either faced with asking someone who is in a relationship that I suspect is open/poly or becoming interested in a single person and needing to explain that I am not exclusive. It just lends itself to problems and my passive nature comes out full, even if I feel a strong connection with someone I won’t act directly on it unless I’ve gathered information from other sources.

Lastly, we have the serendipitous meetings… running into someone you like in a bookstore, on the metro, or at a bar/club. I’m sure more has been said about this elsewhere so I won’t harp on it, I don’t think the chance of running into a new love interest very likely in the general public. Plus, I can’t read flirting worth a damn (just recently learned that a cute girl complimenting my eyes or casually touching my arm may be flirting and I should probably ask her to coffee or something). I’m not in any way complaining about the way I operate, it is just who I am and I am so incredibly happy being me, these are just observations.

Anyway… dating kind of sucks. I wish there was some sort of more explicit way to display interest and availability. I’ve never been into games at all and would seriously respond to “hey, you’re cute, wanna talk and maybe make out?” or “Hey, we would look good naked together ” over small talk, difficult signs, flirting, and wasted time wondering what the other person is thinking. It would just be much more simple, I guess some enjoy the chase but that isn’t me, I’d rather get to the love.

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