Raw

This is the first time I’ve ever felt great reluctance to post because of the public nature of my blog. To be honest, I don’t know who this post will even appeal to. There isn’t much in there for my libertarian friends, polyamorist supporters, Ke$ha lovers, psychedelic users, or any of the other niches that pop in and out of my life. It is really just me being raw and honest because this type of venting is what I feel like I need right now. Because this is personal it will involve other people who are in my life, all names are omitted though. I’m not seeking attention but words of wisdom or opinions are always welcome. People often come to me for advice (which I find kind of funny) but rarely do I have anyone to really turn to myself.

Things in my life have been very turbulent lately. The ending of a relationship a few months ago has still left me hurt and a little bitter, more so than I imagined I would be. I am completely blessed though to have an amazing woman in my life who has stood by me through the turmoil and with whom I consider myself in an emotionally monogamous relationship with. I still consider myself philosophically polyamorist but I am not actively looking for emotional partnerships (I even shut down my OKCupid account).  My current partner, who I love dearly, is not as open to polyamory as I would find ideal but I have realized the pursuit of an ideal partner is a path to guaranteed loneliness.

My partner is absolutely amazing and for the first time in a long time I can see myself being with one person for a long time. In fact, her and I are planning a year long bike ride around the continent in April of 2014. It looks like it will be an incredible experience and adventure (and who doesn’t want to be able to say they’ve had sex in all 48 lower states?). Thinking about this trip is a huge motivation to me and has kept me sane the last few weeks. I love Los Angeles and the people I am around, my network is amazing, but I am unhappy at my primary job and I feel like it is a real drain on my spirit. I love writing… I want to write… my book deserves attention… but by time I am done commuting home and working all day I am just mentally drained and can’t seem to motivate myself to do anything. And, one of my coworkers is pregnant so I have had to take over about 1/3 of her job in addition to my normal duties.

I am also feeling pretty unattractive right now and the lack of time to workout (sort of an excuse and sort of valid) isn’t helping. I haven’t been to yoga in weeks, had a good bike ride alone in about two weeks, and haven’t really lifted weights since I hit the gym. This internal knowledge that I am not at my best coupled with a well meaning friends comments about how I’ve gained weight recently have kind of emotionally kicked my ass. I’ve never been really good at turning outside forces into motivation to improve myself. Once I set my mind to it I am great but getting myself mentally there is tough for me.

I’m also worried that my strong sexual drive for variety may destroy my relationship. I am a sexually open person, I want new experiences (ideally that include my current partner), and new partners but I feel like I am going to be stuck between suppressing myself or losing love. I should note that my partner is fucking awesome and has never sought to limit my sexual experiences, she is just less interested in exploring new stuff on her own than I am but I worry that the balance we have now won’t last forever.

I am a sexual person who strongly supports casual sex (at my most honest moments I realize I am at least curious about sex with every non-related female I know)… I don’t see it just as an option people should have without facing negative stigmas but I actually think most people would be better off if they had more sex with more partners. I’m convinced we evolved for this type of social setting and don’t see any good moral objections. There may be some consequentialist arguments to be made but technology is quickly rendering them obsolete.

I guess that is where the pressure is right now. I feel torn along different many different axis. I want sexual variety but feel too unattractive to pursue it and worry it will ruin what I have with my partner whom I love. I want to be a writer and adventurer but am drained by the day-to-day office job drudgery and my student loan debt. I see such great things on my horizon but lack the patience to just wait it out. I want to change my job course to psychological use of psychedelics to heal and expand but the barriers and requirements seem overwhelming.

So there it is. Some of me raw. I feel a little better and maybe some feedback will come along to help how I feel. If nothing else this helped clarify things in my head a bit and hopefully didn’t cause any damage.

“Un-Memorizing the ‘Silence is Sexy’ Date Script” – Some Thoughts

One of the things I love about Facebook is it has allowed a diverse group of people to stay more intimately in my life than would otherwise be possible. People who I’ve met only superficially are able to passively share their interests and passions with me and from those interests valuable conversations can form. Yesterday this article was posted by someone who I have only met once or twice (in fact, I think I met her at a party to help send her to Burning Man in 2010 but I was embarrassingly drunk and hope she doesn’t really remember that). The article was then posted today by someone who I have a much stronger internet relationship with than I ever had with her in real life.

Well, I posted that article today after reading it and for once didn’t really know what I thought. I am pleased that a conversation developed on my wall among my diverse network and with it came links and resources for those interested in what was being discussed (it truly is a wonderful time to be alive). Anyway, here are some of the thoughts from my perspective. I am not far enough removed from my ego to clearly see this from another person’s perspective but maybe some day.

As an introvert it has always been a nerve-racking experience to navigate intimate interactions. I like explicit consent in all things but much of society tells us that men  need to be the aggressor and try to interpret puzzling (to me) signals that women give off. To be honest, I have no idea if eye-contact and a smile is really an invitation to say hi… or if a touch on the arm is flirting or something else… I already suck at it and the INTJ part of me fears making someone else uncomfortable way more than my own rejection. I am very comfortable alone and don’t mind going home from a bar or party by myself.

The internet has provided me with a way around that though. I can passively share my thoughts online which will attract those people who might be interested in similar things. While I don’t use my blog and FB to call out specific people, when I post polyamorous views, comfort with BDSM, and a sex-positive outlook it opens up dialogue between me and other people  (though bangwithfriends is still an awesome concept in my mind). But, in some ways I kind of view this as a cop out.

I still don’t approach women often or initiate any type of relationship. I often use my online openness as an excuse to be passive in real life by telling myself “they must not be interested or else they would say something”. There are still signals to navigate and games to play, but this article provide me with some good dialogue once intimacy has started and has also started online conversations around the issue of pressure placed on women to be the gatekeepers of sex and the social norm of men pushing the boundaries.

I love the idea of very explicit consent and I am glad these things are being talked about. I think more women would be open to expressing their sexuality if they knew that they wouldn’t be harshly judged by their partner(s) or friends. In the same vein, men (or at least I) would be more likely to approach women if we didn’t feel like every expression of interest was a huge inconvenience or would be interpreted as an attempt to use and abuse. Basically, I don’t want women to interpret my attraction or interest in intimacy as pressure or something chauvinistic.

I certainly would love it if we could send clear and concise signals in all situations. It would be absolutely fantastic to have a woman who was attracted to me to send me a FB message like “hey, you’re cute and I’d like to cuddle and kiss for a bit at some point” (or a more kinky couple to come up and say “hey, you and you’re girlfriend are cute, how about you two curl up with us and see how things go”) and know that all actions would be communicated clearly. As was pointed out by my friend, people into kink (particularly BDSM and polys) do have a more established culture of explicit consent and open communication, I can only hope that the internet age will usher this in for all intimate relationships because sex and love is awesome when all parties are open and satisfied.