Raw

This is the first time I’ve ever felt great reluctance to post because of the public nature of my blog. To be honest, I don’t know who this post will even appeal to. There isn’t much in there for my libertarian friends, polyamorist supporters, Ke$ha lovers, psychedelic users, or any of the other niches that pop in and out of my life. It is really just me being raw and honest because this type of venting is what I feel like I need right now. Because this is personal it will involve other people who are in my life, all names are omitted though. I’m not seeking attention but words of wisdom or opinions are always welcome. People often come to me for advice (which I find kind of funny) but rarely do I have anyone to really turn to myself.

Things in my life have been very turbulent lately. The ending of a relationship a few months ago has still left me hurt and a little bitter, more so than I imagined I would be. I am completely blessed though to have an amazing woman in my life who has stood by me through the turmoil and with whom I consider myself in an emotionally monogamous relationship with. I still consider myself philosophically polyamorist but I am not actively looking for emotional partnerships (I even shut down my OKCupid account).  My current partner, who I love dearly, is not as open to polyamory as I would find ideal but I have realized the pursuit of an ideal partner is a path to guaranteed loneliness.

My partner is absolutely amazing and for the first time in a long time I can see myself being with one person for a long time. In fact, her and I are planning a year long bike ride around the continent in April of 2014. It looks like it will be an incredible experience and adventure (and who doesn’t want to be able to say they’ve had sex in all 48 lower states?). Thinking about this trip is a huge motivation to me and has kept me sane the last few weeks. I love Los Angeles and the people I am around, my network is amazing, but I am unhappy at my primary job and I feel like it is a real drain on my spirit. I love writing… I want to write… my book deserves attention… but by time I am done commuting home and working all day I am just mentally drained and can’t seem to motivate myself to do anything. And, one of my coworkers is pregnant so I have had to take over about 1/3 of her job in addition to my normal duties.

I am also feeling pretty unattractive right now and the lack of time to workout (sort of an excuse and sort of valid) isn’t helping. I haven’t been to yoga in weeks, had a good bike ride alone in about two weeks, and haven’t really lifted weights since I hit the gym. This internal knowledge that I am not at my best coupled with a well meaning friends comments about how I’ve gained weight recently have kind of emotionally kicked my ass. I’ve never been really good at turning outside forces into motivation to improve myself. Once I set my mind to it I am great but getting myself mentally there is tough for me.

I’m also worried that my strong sexual drive for variety may destroy my relationship. I am a sexually open person, I want new experiences (ideally that include my current partner), and new partners but I feel like I am going to be stuck between suppressing myself or losing love. I should note that my partner is fucking awesome and has never sought to limit my sexual experiences, she is just less interested in exploring new stuff on her own than I am but I worry that the balance we have now won’t last forever.

I am a sexual person who strongly supports casual sex (at my most honest moments I realize I am at least curious about sex with every non-related female I know)… I don’t see it just as an option people should have without facing negative stigmas but I actually think most people would be better off if they had more sex with more partners. I’m convinced we evolved for this type of social setting and don’t see any good moral objections. There may be some consequentialist arguments to be made but technology is quickly rendering them obsolete.

I guess that is where the pressure is right now. I feel torn along different many different axis. I want sexual variety but feel too unattractive to pursue it and worry it will ruin what I have with my partner whom I love. I want to be a writer and adventurer but am drained by the day-to-day office job drudgery and my student loan debt. I see such great things on my horizon but lack the patience to just wait it out. I want to change my job course to psychological use of psychedelics to heal and expand but the barriers and requirements seem overwhelming.

So there it is. Some of me raw. I feel a little better and maybe some feedback will come along to help how I feel. If nothing else this helped clarify things in my head a bit and hopefully didn’t cause any damage.