There is an article going around about a TSA officer who shamed a 15-year old for her outfit (link here). Maybe it is my lack of sleep, maybe it is a lack of coffee, but this seriously pissed me off. Men, we need to get our shit together and take responsibility for ourselves (and hold our peers accountable).
If you can’t look at a half inch of flesh without lust in your heart that is YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM! Stop attempting to shame and control what women wear. Stop cat-calling every jogger in yoga pants. Stop assuming that a woman at the club dancing wants your penis inside of her. Did she say she wants your penis? Did she say she wants your attention? Did she say you can touch her? NO? Then the answer is no. It isn’t “if I try harder”, it isn’t “maybe if I holler at her from the corner she will see all my wonderful values and fall in love with me”, the answer is no until it is explicitly yes.
The human form is not sexual by default. I realize we have all been brought up in a country that treats the body as a purely sexual but taboo object. We’ve been told that showing skin is wrong because it is sexual. But our upbringing is not an excuse for individual behavior. There is a time and place for sexual activity, and that time and place is not every time you see the outline of a nipple, cleavage, or a woman exercising in form-fitting clothes. And any attempt at blaming evolution for this is a strawman at best, there are a lot of things that humans do that no other species has done, certainly we can add “treats everyone with respect, judges people for their character not their clothes, honors them as individuals, and requires explicit consent” to the list of things like “cooks food, wears clothes, uses technology, discusses philosophy, and shares pictures of cats”.
It is not men’s place to tell a woman what to wear, try to make her feel bad about what she is wearing, or to make assumptions based on what she is wearing. Seriously, if you lack any self control and feel like you need to prove you have a penis by hollering at everything with two X chromosomes do us all a favor and stay indoors until you are ready to be a part of civilized society.
Men, not only do we need to stop acting like sex-deprived shitheads but we need to call out our friends when they do it. It should be socially unacceptable to see a woman and assume “sex”, regardless of what she is or is not wearing. One of my favorite things about Burning Man was a woman could walk alone at night wearing nothing and feel safe. We men should help provide that safe place throughout society by holding each other accountable and treating women as something more than a potential lay.
-End Rant-
Wandering Oak 
I find it interesting that you choose to believe that an entire gender must stop individuals from acting out in a way you feel degrading while simultaneously telling that same gender they have no right to speak or act out based upon what ever values they have. It kinda makes you a hypocrite.
Point 1: If you can’t look at a half inch of flesh without lust in your heart that is YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM! Stop attempting to shame and control what women wear. Stop cat-calling every jogger in yoga pants. Stop assuming that a woman at the club dancing wants your penis inside of her.
Point 2: Men, not only do we need to stop acting like sex-deprived shitheads but we need to call out our friends when they do it. It should be socially unacceptable to see a woman and assume “sex”, regardless of what she is or is not wearing.
What I surmise from this entire rant is this; Men as an entire gender should hold every individual male accountable for their actions with absolutely no emphasis on the opposed gender doing the same. That every male needs to end a cycle created by our civilized society in order to remain in that society. That males should put far more attention to the details of our own lives, actions and thoughts leaving very little room for women.
Now, that lost sentence I can tell you will surely be the end of a species. I know very few women who would like to see even less thought given to them by their male counterparts as most women (Heterosexual women anyway) constantly complain about how little the men in their lives think about them and how little attention they receive compared to work and male friends.
Here’s a thought; being that I look at the world in a libertarian mantle, how about you be a good neighbor and keep your opinions on your side of the fence.
I didn’t put an emphasis on what women should do because I am not a woman and won’t pretend to be able to relate to them on such a level as to provide them with instruction on how to stop overwhelmingly male sexual attention. I don’t think men as a gender should really do anything because groups like that are not individual actors. I think individual men should recognize the overly sexual way that many people view women and when they see it attempt to peacefully stop it. If a friend of mine is making a woman uncomfortable or viewing her as a sex object I will call him out on it, and I hope others will do the same.
Sexism, misogyny, and oppression is not a woman problem, it is a human problem that requires people of all genders and sexes to fight together. None of us will teach our individual potential until everyone is viewed as a person instead of an object.
I doubt I will be the end of the species. You seem to imply (correct me if I’m wrong) that because of my views on this people like me won’t be able to reproduce, as if this type of attention is necessary for reproductive relationships. I find that to be false in my life. I have a loving partner and I know many females who appreciate it when men stand up and try to stop other men from viewing them as primarily sex objects. Viewing a woman as an equal and individual human being should not reduce the amount of attention someone gives them, it should increase it.
Lastly, there is a certain irony to you coming to my blog, reading it, and then commenting with “keep your opinions on your side of the fence”. I have only shared this blog on my side of the fence, you came over and decided to start a conversation, something I support but don’t really understand your final point.
Peter;
I am finding it difficult to relate to your view point. From my perspective, you seem to simply be missing something in many regards. From your response, I am trying to determine if you have a point that is actually functional or if you are trying to prove some precise point with a fair amount of over-generalizations that are taking way to many assumptions regarding female psyche while simultaneously admitting a lack of understanding regarding female psyche.
Point 1: “I didn’t put an emphasis on what women should do because I am not a woman and won’t pretend to be able to relate to them on such a level as to provide them with instruction on how to stop overwhelmingly male sexual attention.”
Now, in this quote you make it clear that you don’t have enough expertise with women to be able to relate to them enough to instruct them. This tells me that you aware that you don’t have a close enough connection with the entire gender to even make the grandiose demands you are proclaiming in your rant. As well, you have completely missed the point I was making in the area of my comment you are addressing with the above statement. You have mistakenly chosen to assess that I was offering some kind of alternative to your “solution” by instructing women. My point when I wrote this:
“Men as an entire gender should hold every individual male accountable for their actions with absolutely no emphasis on the opposed gender doing the same.”
…was not to state that women could be instructed to be more repulsive to male attention. It was a statement regarding the actions of the oppose gender to act directly counter to what you are perceiving them as acting. I know a wealth of women who intentionally dress, act, speak and entice in a provocative manor while fully intending and desiring to receive attention. Where this becomes a problem is that, based upon your statement of belief, men should simply refuse to respond to those very specific and intended signs. Moreover, that men should simply expect women to do all the work towards initiation of contact and relationship when it is a commonly occurring theme in relationships that women feel they are expected to do too much as it is, will only lead to more problems in relationships.
Point 2: “Sexism, misogyny, and oppression is not a woman problem, it is a human problem that requires people of all genders and sexes to fight together.”
I apologize because I am already aware that this will appear offensive when I don’t mean it as such, but I can only say that the above statement is born purely from naivety. These three things all have one major thing in common, they are all predominately practiced by the very group who is victimized by it. Case in point is the endemic problem in Africa with an issue known as Female Genital Circumcision/Mutilation. This painful and barbaric act of sexism and repression was long thought to be the result of male enforcement of illiterate religious doctrine. However, it has been found that the women of the intended victims family are the ones who demand the practice continue while their male counterparts openly profess a total lack of adherence to the necessity or desire of the practice. This is a pattern that infuses nearly every institution of oppression the species faces today. You cannot expect people to fight themselves and have any hope of winning. When you fight yourself, win or lose, you lose.
Point 3: “ I find that to be false in my life. I have a loving partner and I know many females who appreciate it when men stand up and try to stop other men from viewing them as primarily sex objects. Viewing a woman as an equal and individual human being should not reduce the amount of attention someone gives them, it should increase it.”
This is where the conversation gets a little grey. I agree that degrading another person, regardless of gender is inappropriate. The problem, however, is this; you are still demeaning women by “standing up” for them in a case of sexism. You want women to be treated equal without expecting them to act equally. If any individual who is capable of standing for themselves refuses to do so, that is not your queue to step in and do it for them all while waving a flag of equality because your action has made that person subordinate to you. Like a protective parent, you have stepped into a childish situation, claimed superiority of moral value over one person in order to protect what you find to be the weaker character of the victim against another person.
Additionally, I will have to go out on a limb and explain my personal stance on this a bit better. I find it appalling that anyone, no consideration given to gender, would demand an entire group of people be respected purely out of what does or doesn’t exist between their legs. Equality is an action. It is not something that can truly be granted to a physical person or group unless they act in accordance with civil equality. Few people are going to just bow down and respect a crack whore simply because she is female any more than they would respect a pimp because he is male. The overly generalized method you are using is a severe set-back in your argument that opens you up for criticism.
Understand that I am not saying I believe either gender to be superior to the other. I am stating simply that I will not view an individual as an equal or respect them as an authority unless they prove they have these qualities. In reciprocation, I expect the same treatment from others around me.
Regarding your response to my final statement of metaphor; you missed the point of what I was saying. The fence is the action and the yard the opinion. Being a good neighbor is reference to having the moral conditioning to stay out of other people’s business when it simply has no bearing on your life. I can see why you missed the meaning as your entire rant expresses your demands to a whole “neighborhood” without any regard what-so-ever given to the rights of those your argument is directed.
But to be overly specific here, as you seem to try to get; your blog is not exactly your backyard with my eyes prying into. Your blog is a free space to which you squat while voicing your opinion in a public forum that was shared on my facebook newsfeed. So my last metaphor for the night is this; don’t hold a yard sale with your opinions then get upset when someone stops by to see what’s going on.
Finally, to clear my point; It is not for you or anyone else to make demands on the gender of men simply because you are male. How you chose to act is your concern and no one else’s and it is simply a mistake to espouse yourself with moral superiority and righteous outrage when you are choosing to take the rout of an oppressor by demanding of others what they are not obligated to give to you.
Hey Shaddess,
Don’t have time to read or respond to all of your points, but I think you are dead wrong to think that someone is, in your words, “demeaning women by “standing up” for them in a case of sexism”. Excuse me? Is it demeaning to gay people when straight people join them in speaking out against homophobia? Is it demeaning for African-Americans to have white allies trying to help end racism?
Of course not. We are all in this together, and it is important to fight back against all the -isms, regardless of whether you are in the privileged or victim group. Women are already standing up for ourselves as best we can when sexism occurs. (See: Hollaback, The Everyday Sexism Project, etc.) I don’t really see how you can argue against the simple idea that men should stand by us and help us with this, as best they can, when they can. It’s the only way to truly end a problem like sexism that affects both genders.
Have you ever taken a basic Sociology class about the structures of inequality? If not, I suggest you do. It is very eye-opening to understand how inequalities develop and are perpetuated, and learn the best ways we have to fight back against them. Unfortunately, when discussing broad cultural problems, it is not safe to rely on personal experience or “common sense” to make points and form opinions.
I’m gonna be honest Shaddess, I didn’t read your whole response. It is twice the length of my original post which was a rant when I didn’t have coffee, was recovering from a whirlwind party weekend in DC, and was just annoyed with people. It isn’t something I’m submitting to a peer-reviewed journal, it is simply rambling and I don’t really feel a need to defend myself or thoughts to someone I don’t know. That just isn’t what my blog is for and I don’t see much value in spending my time that way. I have limited hours in the day and my time goes to work, hanging with my girlfriend, blogging, going to parties, writing my book, reading, exercising, biking the beach, prepping for my cross-country journey, banging, or just lounging in front of the tv. I’m sure your response was well thought-out, this just isn’t a place where I feel the need or desire to respond. Maybe if we cross paths in real life at a bar or party or something but not here.