Turning Thirty-Four

This week I turned 34 years old. I guess this means I’m officially in my mid-30’s, which is kind of crazy to think about to me. I don’t really feel like I’m in my mid-30’s, I don’t really feel like any age in particular. I know logically I’m getting older and I also know logically that the numbers are kind of arbitrary and meaningless at this point. If the earth moved a little slower or orbited the sun at a different distance than I wouldn’t be 34 right now. Age matters for a little while due to our legal system, but it increasingly becomes a poor signaling device.

I really have no complaints about the last year. There were struggles and hardships, of course. And some sadness and heartbreak, but overall it was a good year. I continued to explore my sexuality, my desires, and my passions. I failed sometimes, and succeeded at others. I got sterilized so that I can’t have my own children, learned that I like brewing beer, and have become more passionate about my mental and physical health. I have travelled to new places and made new friends, while some other friends and places have drifted into the past, possibly forever. I have also learned some life lessons and found new philosophical views that appeal to me. I feel like my tenuous relationship with my parents is starting to heal again, and for that I am glad.

Overall, I’m looking forward to my 35th year on Earth. The number isn’t really important, it is how we live during those years that are important. I know 25 year olds who seem unlikely to grow and experience anything more until they retire, and I know 50 year olds who are adventuring like they are fresh out of high school. Each year, each month, each week, each day, each moment is an opportunity to do more than just exist, it is a chance to learn something new, try something new, and be someone better.

It is likely those opportunities will run out at some point for me. Bodies and minds fade gradually, or a disease or accident could end my life tomorrow. I hope this isn’t my last birthday, but if it is I have no regrets. I feel like I’m living the best I can. Sure, there are things I want to do but it is hard for me to have any FOMO for things I miss when I’m trying my best to do things I love.

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