My partner and I have been biking through Mississippi the last couple of days and we finally reached the Gulf Coast. Today, while biking along the beach my partner told me that she wants to go dip her feet in the ocean. There was excitement and joy in her eyes, there was a drive to enjoy the beach and sun and surf. It was magical, but I have a hard time relating.

I don’t seem to feel joy or excitement or passion the way some people do. I also don’t seem to feel anger or sadness or frustration the way some people do either. My emotions don’t really run at the extremes. Instead of having easy access to extreme emotions I seem to live my life much more moderately. It takes extreme circumstances for me to feel a lot. That isn’t to say that I’m unhappy. I just don’t seem to feel joy and motivation like other people. Most things in daily life I just kind of say “meh” to.

This doesn’t seem to be good or bad, because it is a two-edged sword. I don’t get tempted by unhealthy things, but I have no drive to get particularly healthy. I miss out on a lot of joys but I also miss out on some of life’s sorrows. It takes extreme circumstances for me to feel outside of a middle ground, which I think explains a lot of my life.

I’m often in search of these extremes, which for my primarily comes from variety. Excitement comes from doing things I’ve never done before, or using chemicals. MDMA makes me feel love and passion that others seem to feel more naturally. Burning Man gives me motivation and creativity that others seem to have daily. Life filled with a new place or adventure every day keeps me excited to wake up. Me leaning towards polyamory and open relationships is likely part of this pursuit of the new in order to feel the passion and excitement that others seem to have.

I’m not sure if I’ve always been this way or not. I have definitely had times of extremely bad feelings, like the times I was suicidal in DC. But overall, I seemed very passive. Going to war didn’t really phase me. College wasn’t particularly stressful, and neither was moving to new cities on my own. I have never really worried about finances or finding a job.

I don’t know if something is biologically different in me than some other people. Maybe my brain is more reluctant to release serotonin or something. I don’t think the way I am is bad, I like how I am. But it does make me feel disconnected at times.

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