Communication, Partners, and Sex

One of the consequences of being so open about my sexual interests and views is that Facebook friends (most of whom I’ve never met) will message me with their thoughts and concerns. It doesn’t happen a whole lot, maybe once a month or so, but I’m always happy when it does. The subjects range from STI’s to fantasies to sexual orientation to pregnancy, and I always do my best to provide honest and open responses about the subjects. I guess I’m a “sex educator” in some ways.

The most common fantasy question that I’m approached with is a male-on-male interaction (one of the major taboos in our current culture, even in the swinger scene). Most of the men who open up to me about this are from my military or religious days which, I think is pretty telling. I don’t think people involved in traditionally conservative institutions have greater rates of interest in same-sex action, but I do think they tend to lack an outlet for those interests. They may not be able to talk about them with their spouses or those in their community like people in more tolerant institutions, communities, and relationships might. So, they come to me… which is pretty cool because I can relate a lot.

For a long time, one of my most common fantasies was to have a threesome with another man that included male-on-male contact. In fact, for a while, this fantasy was so prevalent in my pornography use and the XXX-movie theater in my head that I identified fairly publicly as bisexual. Lucky for me, I have a partner who is incredibly GGG and was not threatened by these fantasies at all. She was even completely supportive of me moving this experience from fantasy to reality. Eventually, the right circumstances came around and we had a threesome with a bisexual man.

That experience was a good one, but it made me realize that “bisexual” isn’t accurate for me. I wasn’t disgusted or turned off by the experience, but it wasn’t sexually arousing. It was fun, but it wasn’t erotic. I’ve had similar experiences since and the outcome is the same, I had a good time and would do it again but it wasn’t particularly sexual. Yes, there was a lot of play with organs that are typically associated with sex, but it was just a lot of fun and experimentation and giving pleasure. I actually feel the same way about experiences I’ve had with other women as well, I would call them fun and interesting, but not necessarily sexual. What it really did was reinforce my curiosity about bodies and what people like…  we are all built in such beautiful and diverse ways, I want to see how things look and find out how things feel for other people, and try and help them feel pleasure. It’s weird, the more “sexual” experiences I have the more I see the stuff I do with my partner as the only real sex I have. The more genitals I touch, boobs I play with, and lips I kiss, the more intimate, sexual, and valuable the time I spend with my partner is. New experiences allow me to see my current relationship in a clearer focus and appreciate our sexual chemistry. There is no fear of “the grass is greener on the other side” because I’ve been over to grass on the other side and put it into my mouth… it tastes great and was enjoyable but I’m not going to leave my partner for it. I also know that if I want to go back for a taste I have my partner’s consent.

That analogy got weird…

Anyway, I’m really glad I ended up going through with moving my fantasy to reality. It didn’t turn out like I thought it would, which is pretty normal for fantasies, but it allowed me to have a greater understanding of who I am and what turns me on. Instead of wondering my whole life “man, am I really bisexual?”, I can firmly say “I’m not really bisexual but I can have a good time with any gender”. (At least at this point in my life, I think it is possible that my sexuality is pliable enough that it may change over time, or I may find myself with a man that I am completely sexually attracted to… who knows, the future is wild and weird and unpredictable, and so is the mind).

The thing about our imagination is, not only do fantasies end up being less amazing than we thought, our worries turn out to be less negative than we thought. Our minds blow things out of proportion. In the past, the thought of my partner with someone else would bring about some jealousy, but in the moment I actually wasn’t jealous at all. Part of this was because my partner and I always communicate a lot during new experiences but it is also because concern in my head was way overblown when compared to reality. I had built up the situation into something it couldn’t be and in the moment my illusions were destroyed. All my fears (my partner would leave me for this stranger, she would never be satisfied with me again, she would ignore me for the moment and I’d be left out) turned out to be ridiculous, but they only way I could really vanquish those fears was to move from fantasy to reality.

I can’t imagine being in a relationship with someone who I couldn’t talk about these things with. I can literally tell her any fantasy I have and we can discuss our feelings about it and whether it may realistically become a reality. Even if one of us is uncomfortable with something it isn’t just a “No, we are never doing that”, instead it is “I’m not comfortable with that for these reasons…. I recognize some of those reasons may be alleviated over time and we can discuss it again, and I am completely open to baby stepping in that direction starting today to see if my concerns are real”.

It is disrespectful to just say “no”, and every person should be at least willing to explore the possibility of something with their partner. Baby steps can be as simple as reading articles about a subject, watching a video (porn or otherwise) or going to a conference/event where nothing physical will actually happen. On the flip side, the partner who wants to do something new should have a lot of patience and know how to communicate clearly. You need to be willing to try small things over a long period of time, maybe years (but also be aware if your partner is just “kicking the can down the road” in hopes that you will forget about the desire or be so locked into the relationship that you can’t escape even if you aren’t satisfied).

I firmly believe that if you are going to be spending your life with someone you should be able to discuss absolutely anything and articulate your reasoning (whether you are for something or against something), and be willing to explore those things with your partner. Would you really want to be with someone that you had to keep secrets from and hide your own desires, or will placate you by saying “we will do that someday” with no intention of actually doing it? Someone who, despite all their proclaimed love and compassion for you, would just cast your desires aside for their own comfort? Luckily, I think most partners are more open-minded than we give them credit for… and they probably have plenty of fantasies, desires,  and kinks of their own. Maybe talking about how you want to tie up your partner will lead to them telling you how much they want to be spanked? Maybe they want to try a threesome or same-room sex with another couple too. You never know if you don’t bring it up.

Luckily, I think most partners are more open-minded than we give them credit for, it can be terrifying opening up to someone and I think we often assume they will react the worst possible way. The truth is, they probably have plenty of fantasies, desires,  and kinks of their own that they are afraid to open up about. Maybe talking about how you want to tie up your partner will lead to them telling you how much they want to be spanked? Maybe they want to try a threesome or same-room sex with another couple too. Maybe they want to peg you as much as you want to be pegged.

You never know if you don’t bring it up.


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