Partying With Molly

Whew, I almost didn’t get a blog out today. I spent most of today travelling from Oklahoma to Dallas and didn’t have a lot of free time, but I managed to get a blog out. I’m a little drunk and this blog post is based on a question I got via Snapchat (Add me! pneiger), but it counts. Here is how I recommend partying with MDMA if you are doing a home party instead of a rave. I definitely prefer small, intimate gatherings instead of big raves or events but there is a time and place for everything.

Basics: There are a lot of ways to roll with Molly but some basics stand true for all circumstances. First, make sure your product has been tested and is safe. I recommend using a test kit from DanceSafe anytime you purchase a new batch. Even if you trust the source you should test each batch.

Hydration is really important when rolling, but unless you are dancing a ton it probably isn’t a major danger. You should still have Gatorade or orange juice on hand, as well as plenty of water. I also recommend plastic glasses to prevent accidental broken glass on the floor. Sometimes people get a little shaky with Molly and accidents can happen.

People often like to cuddle up and chat while rolling so it is nice to have a soft environment to hang out in. Simply placing blankets, pillows, and other soft things on the floor can help this environment. You don’t really need special supplies, just get the stuff off your bed and have them available for people to curl up with.

Music is also a major stimulant while rolling. I like to have a playlist ready on Spotify for rolling. A couple of hours that flows through EDM and some dancy top 40 can get people moving and exploring their bodies a bit. It is a tactile drug, which includes getting in touch with your own body at times. Music helps that.

Advanced: There are tons of ways to roll with friends that are more advanced. I don’t think you can really get into every detail but here is my favorite type of roll, a few couples who are good friends. I’ll start from the first time rolling because things flow more naturally after you’ve rolled with the same people a few times.

First, I think it is important to establish boundaries and expectations. Let’s say three different couples are getting together to all roll together. Each couple should discuss with each other about what their boundaries are. I like using the “Yes, Maybe, and No” method that is common within BDSM communities. “Yes” are things that you are absolutely comfortable with, “Maybe” are things that you might be comfortable with happening or seeing but check in first, and “No” are things that you aren’t comfortable with. By discussing these with your partner you can hold each other accountable and make sure that while rolling your lowered inhibitions don’t lead you doing something you regret. In my experience this is rare but it is better to be safe than sorry. There is always an opportunity in the future roll again, so don’t feel like you should do everything on the first roll.

Now, each Yes, Maybe, and No usually comes in three categories: things you will see, things you will touch, and things you will talk about. Things can get pretty intimate between sometimes so it is important to think about what you are comfortable with. “Seeing” can include naked bodies or people having sex, “Touching” can include massages or making out, and “Talking” may include personal issues like experiences in war, spiritual beliefs, or going into detailed conversations about what you desire in a relationship. Molly is a multi-functional drug that can be recreational, therapeutic, or both.

Second, you should discuss with your partner (or the group as a whole) the things you’d like to try while rolling. It is important not to have specific expectations about what will happen but there is nothing wrong with having things you’d like to experience. This may be something like discussing your past to heal from wounds or experiences a six-hand massage or see what everyone’s naked body looks like. If you are close to your friend’s they should be open to discussing anything, but the answer may be “no”. It is important to just put things out there.

Now, if you are doing a more intimate roll I recommend the following prep work:

• Massage oil available for massages
• Towels prepped near shower in case people decide to shower or bathe
• Condoms and lube available for intimacy
• A room dedicated to nudity or sexuality if some people in the group aren’t open to that (always provide a safe place for the newest or most conservative person in the group)
• Candles or dim lighting for mood and to assist people with light sensitivity
• Different playlists in different rooms for mood
• Juices and pop-cycles for fluids and electrolytes
• Magnesium supplements and gum to help with teeth grinding
• Rave gloves, LED lights, and battery powered massagers available to help with stimulation
• 5-HTP available for a few days after the roll to help with recovery

There really isn’t a bad way to roll, but some things can make the experience more epic. The most important thing is to take safety and comfort into account, communicate with the participants (particularly anyone new to it) and have a good time. Molly is a drug, an event, and a therapy, and putting in a little effort into prep work can take a good experience and make it legendary

Dream Job

A couple of nights ago Anna and I took a little MDMA while camping. To be honest, it was probably our least favorite roll yet. It was our own fault, we had full stomachs and were pretty tired. We’ve also been rolling quite a bit just the two of us. We love that but some variety would be nice… another couple to roll with (we’ve had great experiences in the past introducing couples to molly) or maybe a festival/rave to explore. To be honest, there wasn’t much euphoria or desire for physical intimacy, it wasn’t a bad experience (can Molly be bad?) but it wasn’t great. There was one highlight for me though, I got to do some internal thinking and fantasizing about my dream job. While rolling, particularly towards the end of the night, you can kind of get stuck in your own head thinking about wonderful things. Your mind kind of wanders in a pseudo-hallucinogenic fashion. During this time of reflection I realized what I would love to do for a living. Sadly, if I tried to do this openly men with guns would kick down my door and put me in a cage.

What I’d love to do is host “Roll Parties” for people. I’d love to provide a set and setting for people to use MDMA carefree. I would provide the location, the MDMA, and whatever extras people desired. It could be completely customizable to the group’s desires. Maybe it is just a couple who want to curl up and talk out their relationship, or maybe a small group want to have a sexy party, or maybe more of a rave is what a group want. I’d love to provide all of that.

For example, maybe a group of six friend’s contact me and want to have a roll party. They don’t have a clear idea for what they want out of the night but want to keep options open. They are fairly sexually liberal but not swingers or poly. To get the night started I would give a briefing on what to expect from taking MDMA, this would happen at every party even if people are used to the drug. After everyone takes their dose we would spend the next hour figuring out what people are comfortable with and what they would want while waiting for the dose to hit. I would have everyone anonymously fill out a “comfort sheet” where they can share their comfort level with certain common occurrences while rolling. Maybe it would look something like this:

How comfortable would you be if the males in this room were nude (unaroused)?

• Very Comfortable
• Somewhat Comfortable
• Unsure
• Somewhat Uncomfortable
• Very Uncomfortable
• Comments:

How comfortable would you be if the females in this room were nude?

• Very Comfortable
• Somewhat Comfortable
• Unsure
• Somewhat Uncomfortable
• Very Uncomfortable
• Comments:

How comfortable would you be if the males in this room were nude (sexually aroused)?

• Very Comfortable               
• Somewhat Comfortable
• Unsure
• Somewhat Uncomfortable
• Very Uncomfortable
• Comments:

How comfortable would you be if the people were giving erotic massages?

• Very Comfortable
• Somewhat Comfortable
• Unsure
• Somewhat Uncomfortable
• Very Uncomfortable
• Comments:

Are there any subjects that you feel uncomfortable discussing or may be triggering for you? Please list or discuss personally with the facilitator?

Are you interested in discussing any of the following subjects more openly?

• Societies views on sex and nudity
• Your personal sex life and kinks or interests
• Spirituality and Religion
• Politics
• Your past

This is just a sample of some of the questions and it would be much more thorough. This may seem silly to some but providing a comfortable environment for everyone is important. After gathering all the surveys I would share some rules/guidelines about how the night will go.  If someone said they are uncomfortable with seeing aroused males we could come up with solutions, including getting verbal confirmation of everyone in the room before something like that happens. Or maybe designate a particular room for more sexual activity. I’d also let people know what subjects others are interested in discussing or should be avoided because they can be triggering. Generally people rolling are great about consent and following the kink guidelines (discuss what you like, what you don’t like, any medical issues you may have, what aftercare you desire, etc) but having designated places for activities or guidelines in place at the beginning of the night helps get everyone comfortable. Some groups won’t need this, some groups of friends are completely comfortable with everything or have a lot of experience already but occasionally individuals are in a mental space where they have strong preferences. It is always best to express these things from the beginning to prevent harm or discomfort. The goal is to make the most conservative and/or least experienced person 100% comfortable with how things may go.

I could also provide DJ’s, fire dancers, masseuses, and whatever else the group desired. It would be completely geared to what the group wants. Sadly, this would all be illegal because of the drugs. Sure, I could probably try to host parties like this without the drugs but my passion is really sharing the MDMA experience with others so that their lives and relationships can grow. MDMA destroys jealousy and the unnecessary social walls that have been put up, and it helps spread comfort and love. I’ve rolled with people where all we do is talk and bond, I’ve rolled with people where it gets very sexually intimate with massages and same-room sex, and I’ve had goofy times with people where we explore each other’s bodies in kind of a clinical fashion and just marvel at how beautiful we all are.

I’d love to do this for a living (though, not necessarily for an income). Maybe someday it will be legal… or maybe I’ll just do it anyway and risk it. Providing healing and happiness for other people is the moral thing to do, even it if is illegal.

Who’s Been Sleeping in Your Head? The Secret World of Sexual Fantasies

As is often the case on road trips and long flights I was able to get some good reading and writing done… maybe I need to find a way to do this more. Anyway, I finished reading “Who’s Been Sleeping in Your Head?” by Brett Kahr. This 400-page book is the culmination of a multi-year study conducted primarily in the UK (though there are some US participants) about people’s sexual fantasies. These fantasies are what goes through a person’s head during masturbation and sex with a partner. The research was conducted through online surveys completed by over 23,000 people and 122 intensive face-to-face interviews with volunteers. It appears to be the most comprehensive attempt to catalog and interpret human sexual fantasies that anyone has ever done.

While I found the intentions of the study and premise of the book fascinating my feelings towards the book are bitter-sweet. As a Freudian psychotherapist Kahr spent much of his time focusing, analyzing, and, in my opinion, unjustifiably fishing or hoping for childhood trauma to explain sexual fantasies that people had. He mentions alternative approaches like evolutionary psychology only twice and only in passing. I understand that he is a Freudian but if his attempt was to objectively or comprehensively attempt to look into sexual fantasies and their foundation (if one exists) he should have brought in some alternative view points. To him humans seem to be born as a blank slate with no genetic predispositions or tendencies in place from evolution.

Kahr often at times come off as a bit judgemental and sex-negative, and even a bit LGBTphobic. He focuses several times on homosexuality possibly being linked to childhood trauma and child rearing but little acknowledgement of a biological aspect. He also seems to see all cross-dressers as “transvestites”. It also seemed like a negative judgement when he penned the term “intra-marital affair” to describe thinking about someone other than your spouse, as if thinking of another is a form of cheating. Some may agree that fantasies are cheating (but if they really are based in trauma or evolution it is cheating we have little to no control over) not everyone does and I think it weakens the betrayal of true affairs if we attach that phrase to a passing thought during masturbation.

Clearly, I have some problems with Kahr’s approach, but I want to give him some benefit of the doubt, it is possible that there is a generational gap and cultural one between he and I. He is British and a bit older than I, while Americans and our friends across the pond are similar in many ways I can’t help but wonder if the stereotypes about prudish non-sexual Brits might have some truth to it. It has also been almost a decade since this project started and a lot has changed in sexual research and views on fantasies in the last 10 years, particularly with the exponential growth of internet access and the pornography that comes with it.

There were also some wonderful things within the book though, and I actually very highly recommend it. Kahr’s analysis later in the book provides a lot of great information and provides some support to his hypothesis in some of the cases. There clearly can be a trauma at the foundation of sexual fantasies, and many of these trauma fantasies are causing great distress and harm to the individuals. In cases where people can’t live the lives they want or have the relationships they desire it is a problem, such as the case of “Julius” who has only been able to masturbate to mental images of a girl who tormented him in his adolescence and he has not had a long-term relationship in nearly 50 years.

I would have loved to see more research and questions about the ramifications of opening up about your fantasies to your significant others. Kahr mentions a few in one chapter but for the most part glosses over any potential benefits and instead focuses on trauma and harm. In my experience being open and honest with your partner about desires and what goes on in your head can have a bonding effect and open the door for new real life experiences. If we decide to enter into a partnership something as intimate and important as sex should not be a taboo subject. Much of the negative aspects seem to come from our social stigmas against sexuality as much as childhood events. As a culture if we can admit that sex is a healthy and enjoyable part of the human experience we can reduce the pain, suffering, and shame that seems to accompany so many fantasies.

Kahr does admit that this is just a beginning, and like a good scientist he hopes others will dive into the data, conduct their own studies, and come up with alternative hypothesis. I would love to see a larger sample size of humans from more diverse backgrounds. What is true for Brits (and in this case a few Americans) may not be true for Australians, Italians, Russians, Kenyans, Colombians, Thai, Egyptians, etc. The more information the better and it looks like this is a field ripe for research and exploration.

I definitely recommend this book for many different people. If you just have an interest in sexuality there is a lot to love about this book, as well if you are interested in seeing how a Freudian interprets things, though I would recommend skipping or skimming Section II if you get bored with it. You can only read poorly written erotica for pages and pages for so long before it becomes a blur. It is also a good resource for people who have anxiety about what goes on in their own heads. It will become quickly clear that “normal” fantasies don’t exist, and because of that there is really nothing that is “weird” or “abnormal”. Some people don’t fantasize at all, some think only about their spouse, some focus more on feelings while others have elaborate situations they play in their head, some people think of college professors, siblings, strangers, movie stars, and inanimate objects. Some people like to be raped, piss on people while they are shitting, or change genders. Some like to be whipped while others like to be bought a nice romantic dinner followed by a massage and some cunnilingus. The limits to human sexual fantasies are only restricted by the combined imagination of billions of people.

The Future

Making plans for the long-term is a funny thing. It is almost always out of our control and the universe has a way of throwing us unexpected curveballs, but we humans insist on making plans and pursuing them. This doesn’t seem to be a bad idea as long as you don’t continue down a failed or impossible path because you refuse to reevaluate your plans. I am no different than anyone else in this respect. I make plans… no specifics or expectations but I do try to align myself along a certain path and make preparations for where I think my life is going. This last week was an eye-opener in that respect and I have begun to make more plans for life after the 2-year bicycle ride.

We have all heard the cliche that you should do what you are passionate about. Your career, your life, your happiness can (should?) all be aligned. To be honest, until recently this never really rang true in my life, at least not in a long-term sense. I’ve had jobs in many places but nothing that really kept me passionate or in one place/career for long. I think that may be changing though. I have found what I am passionate about…. sex. Not just having an orgasm (that is awesome too) but about helping people and relationships deal with unhealthy views of sex. Particularly people who don’t fall into traditional orientations. I want to help individuals and couples dealing with the issues that are somewhat unique to LGBT, polyamorous, and sexually open relationships. People who would normally not be able to go to a therapist for fear of being judged, over analyzed, or told they should stop their non-traditional life to find happiness.

Luckily, I have a friend who is interested in going along a similar path. After literally dozens of hours talking we have a little plan… a plan that may shift, alter, and change but it is at least a guideline. While on my bike ride I am going research programs to get into Marriage and Family Therapy with a specialization in sex, I need to study and take the GRE’s, read all the literature we can get our hands on, and also work on getting any necessary prereq’s out of the way via free online programs or community college online courses. I am confident this can be done while on the trail.

After getting into and finishing a program my friend and I would like to set up a practice together. As a male/female team who has overlapping but different interests I think our practice could be incredibly successful. The end goal isn’t simply a practice in a city though. We would also like to round out our education with yoga and massage therapy, and then put together retreats to peaceful locations that people can sign up for. These retreats could have a variety of uses… single people dealing with sex or body issues, couples looking to bring together more intimacy and exploration, or some other random awesomeness we haven’t solidified. In addition, we may also jointly do some research or write a book or three together. 

All in all, I am excited. It has been a long time since I was really passionate or interested in a particular career or skill set. Hopefully following this path will continue to lead me to a happy life. If people have any recommendations, resources, or whatever I am always open to advice. 

Relationship Types

I have always found one-word relationship definitions to be very restricting and unrealistic. I know that labels serve some purpose in simplifying things in life but with complex interactions like intimate relationships I find the simplicity to be harmful. As the below chart highlights, there are a shit-ton of ways to be intimate. I’m not sure of the source of this image but it appears to leave out by-the-books monogamy where two people are only intimate, have sex, and are in love with each other with no cheating by either partner. I guess that would be a bubble outside the graph but in reality many cheat and many have monogamish relationships where certain levels of intimacy and sexual exploration exist.

What I really find unfortunate about the quick definitions we put on relationships is it prevents (and even makes taboo) discussions that get deeper into the details of relationships. It is inappropriate for me to talk to one of my couple crushes (of which I have several) and ask them if they are more open sexually, if they swing or are into BDSM. If I ask these things it is assumed I am hitting on them or looking for a play partner when in reality I may just be interested in the relationship dynamics between two (or more) complex people. I find people and sex fascinating, I would love to know how my friends and acquaintances approach these issues and relationships.

Anyway, I found the image interesting even if it isn’t complete (can anything like this be complete without reducing it down to each individual relationship in the world?).

Original Source of Map: http://tacit.livejournal.com/333842.html

On Marriage And Longterm Commitment

For the last 8 years or so I have been pretty vocally against marriage for myself. I didn’t see the point and I found it to be an archaic ceremony with disgusting historical roots in the idea that one person can (and should) own another person. Many times when I vocalize my opposition to marriage people assume that I am also against commitment, particularly lifelong commitment. While that may have been true throughout most of my adult life my views on both are evolving a bit, as I think they shoud with new experiences.

Maybe it is some fault of my own that I didn’t just accept social norms when it came to relationships, I am starting to think I have a problem when it comes to falling in line. There is a pattern in my life where I see what society offers, experiment on the extreme other end, and then find myself more in a middle ground. I rejected monogamy for hardcore polyamory and now find myself in a monogamish relationship (but still available for Ke$ha 100%). I rejected religion for absolute atheism and now find myself interested and open to spiritual ideas. I rejected neo-con big government policies for complete anarchy and find myself… well, I still find myself being a complete anarchist…. maybe not everything becomes more moderate with time.

Anyway, my evolution on marriage comes from social and political realities. The political reality is that there are financial incentives in place to encourage signing a stupid piece of paper and giving it to some bureaucratic leech. I need to decide if my desire to remove all government controls outweigh the benefits of marriage through reduced coercive taxation. It is a conundrum, less taxes is better for me and helps starve Leviathan (and save the lives of people the government often murders in jails and with bombs). There is also the social pressure, which I am admittedly embarrassed that I feel strongly from time-to-time. Unfortunately, people treat married couples with a greater legitimacy. Two people can be in a 40-year relationship but if they haven’t had a wedding and all that other bullshit they are seen by society as less legitimate than two people who met on craigslist, drove to Vegas, and got hitched all in a 24 hour period. Part of me very much wants people to recognize my love as legitimate and some people require a title to do that. To be honest, I also like the little bit of the fanfare that comes from an engagement and a wedding… not a lot of fanfare, I’m still a minimalist, but I can see the joy and celebration that would occur if I proposed at Burning Man or something.

I have also reevaluated my views on long-term (even lifelong) commitments. This change comes from my increasingly healthy personal romantic life and the examples I’ve seen in others. When I was growing up I interpreted the relationships around me as filled with sacrifice. Sacrificing new experiences, sacrificing individuality, sacrificing life for others. While that may seem noble on paper, in reality that sacrifice came off as controlling and frightening. It certainly didn’t help to have a very unhealthy engagement in my early 20’s. I am now in a very healthy (hopefully long-term) relationship with a partner who doesn’t ask for sacrifice. Instead we grow, learn, have adventures, and plan our future together. That is why I call her my partner, because that is how I see her… as my life-partner. Phrases like girlfriend, boyfriend, etc. come off as possessive to me. In the past those phrases have also represented myself defining my own existence and personality by my relationship status, something I don’t want to do again. In addition, I also have several examples of healthy relationships in my life where adventures and creativity happen, and ideas like “you shouldn’t lust, love, care about, or be attracted to other people” are seen as unrealistic and instead new intimacy is shared together.

Of course, this is just how I feel at this time. My life is an everchanging perception of reality depending on time, place, and experience. Regardless, I am very happy now and happy with the way my views are evolving. I know there may be some people out there who are tempted to say “I told you so”. These are people who said “you just have to meet the right girl”, “give it time”, “you’ll change your mind”, or “It’s just a phase”. If you are one of those people please don’t throw this in my face… seriously, there are only three or so people whose friendship I would keep if they did that. Doing so would tell me you discourage personal journeys, exploration, and investigation. If someone is heading down a path that is different than yours, especially when your path is “normal”, you are an asshole if you tell them that they will eventually come around. It comes off pretentious and degrading. If you want people to live life the way you do then live your life the best you can and show them why and how you are happy. I am happy now, but I don’t think I  would be if I blindly embraced any of my views without winding my way down a relatively unpaved road to get there.

Expectations

With only a few weeks until I am bound for Black Rock City it is hard not to think about Home. This year (as is always the case) will be different from years past. I am a different person, I am going with different people, camping in a different place, and everyone that will be there is facing the same changes from the last time we united on the Playa. This year I will be going with my partner, it is her first time, and I find myself thinking a lot about what my expectations are for Burning Man… which is of course very dangerous.

When I committed to going my virgin year I was crazy excited and became pretty obsessed with researching and preparing. My best friend, who was the one who introduced me to it, gave me some great advice: “You need to go to Burning Man with an open mind and heart, it is okay to hope for certain things and to focus on certain aspects like art or intimacy or spirituality, but you can’t have expectations. If you expect certain things you will be disappointed”. When you really think about it an “expectation” is simply an assumption about the future, and when you make assumptions that involve factors out of your control and you give up your emotions, happiness, and your experiences to someone else.

I think some expectations are reasonable. I should buy food because I expect to be hungry tomorrow…. I should save money because I expect to go on my yearish long bike ride in April… but to expectations should be managed. Burning Man will have 65,000 or so people spread across the desert and each of these individual entities will be filled with their own passions, energy, hopes, ideas, and emotions. To expect certain experiences with that many moving parts is foolish, unwise, and immoral (it is viewing others as means to an end).

So, with a partner by my side there are more experiences available to me, particularly anything that involves intimate encounters, but I must tame expectations and instead leave the default world with openness. Expectations are blinders that cause us to focus prematurely, and when we are overly focused on something we often miss other opportunities that are right in front of our faces. I expect to go Home (which might be a dangerous assumption as well), but once I am there I will try to commit myself to the moment and know that if my heart and mind are open it will be as life changing as ever… and hopefully I can bring some of that magic to my everyday life again.

5 Discussions For Intimate Moments

My partner and I have gone to a local BDSM club a couple of times now to enjoy cheap drinks, a drag king show, and just the general sexually charged atmosphere. This particular club has several play rooms filled with equipment that people are free to use if they wish. I’ve never actually seen anyone having sex (I don’t even know if that is allowed to be honest) but I have seen several scenes where people are being flogged, whipped, tied up, and in various other kinky situations. While the club and situations are awesome they themselves actually attract a fairly niche audience, what isn’t unique is the rules that are announced and plastered all over the venue. Kinksters are very good at communicating and this particular venue has five rules for scenes that I think should be explicitly discussed for all intimate sessions whether they are kinky, vanilla, monogamous, swingers, polyamorous, orgies, or whatever.

Discussion 1: What are you into?
Sadly most people do not openly discuss with their partner(s) what they are into. This can be anything from something you know works for you or can be something you are just curious about. If you are comfortable enough to put your penis in someone, rub on or against someone sexually, or have a penis placed inside of you then you should be comfortable enough to talk about what you enjoy first. If you can’t talk about what you like and enjoy the experience then what is the point?

Discussion 2: What don’t you like?
Which brings us to the next discussion, what don’t you like? This can be full on “hell no I would never allow that to happen” to “hmm, maybe under the right circumstances”. Having this discussion helps remove any type of confusion that can happen in the middle of fun. Sometimes body language can be misinterpreted but if hard no’s are discussed ahead of time it can prevent discomfort and confusion.

Discussion 3: Are there any health issues?
It may not be the most comfortable subject but health issues should be discussed in any intimate environment. This can be everything from HIV status to what form of barrier or birth control is going to used. The last thing anyone would want to happen is one person to think condoms are going to be used and the other person has a latex allergy that wasn’t discussed ahead of time. It is much better to be aware and prepare for health issues before the clothes come off.

Discussion 4: Safe Words.
Sometimes the action needs to slow down or stop, even during vanilla relationships. Having key words or signals that can work to signal to your partner is incredibly important. Red (stop everything) and Yellow (slow it down a bit) are commonly used in kink play. Some people also prefer words like “banana” that can be a little funny and really can’t be confused with any other word. If you are in a situation where you can’t talk for some reason it is important to develop a non-verbal signal, like holding onto an item that you drop if things need to stop.

Discussion 5: Aftercare.
This is probably the least discussed but it is incredibly important to prevent post-coital discomfort or confusion. Some people need cuddling while some need to be alone. We all operate differently and establishing aftercare expectations allows everyone to know what is coming… which allows for increased comfort between partners and better future experiences.

So, I hope that no matter what type of relationships you have you are open and communicate your needs from start to finish. Have fun out there everyone! 🙂

One Of Those Weekends

I think we all have days, weekends, weeks, or months that we look back on and realize they were a turning point in our lives. Sometimes good, sometimes bad, but they seem to define how we operate in the future. This past weekend was kind of one of those for me, and even if I come to realize it wasn’t something that defined my future it is certainly one that I won’t forget.

As someone who believes in the ability to love many people and that physical intimacy can work in many relationships I have always been eager to explore that beyond the hypothetical. I’ve had past relationships that existed simultaneously but didn’t actually overlap in my personal life. What I mean is, I’ve dated multiple people at the same time but these people never really knew each other or interacted with each other. I still have not had that happen but this weekend did show me that being intimate with multiple people at the same time can actually multiply the love felt and does not take away from one partner. This weekend also showed that sexual contact does not equal intimacy and that our bodies can be enjoyed and stimulated without it necessarily being sexual.

I guess first I should state that my partner and I have some rules about physical contact. These rules have come from open conversations, respect for each other’s boundaries, and a realistic approach to what we humans really desire and are capable of. I won’t go into the details of our boundaries but they are somewhere between fully open (all sex with anyone you please) and completely physically monogamous (no physical contact with anyone except your partner).

So, this weekend my partner had a close friend of her’s in town (let’s call her Sam). I was lucky enough to spend some time with Sam alone and we really connected. We had a great time talking and hanging out and now we have a growing friendship ourselves. Since we are all so open and communicative it is no surprise that after my genital piercing we went back to the apartment and took some ecstasy (Sam had never used it before). This lead to a four person massage cuddle puddle (another mutual friend was there as well). There was much kissing, nude massaging, talking, and loving among all parties, but that wasn’t just due to the ecstasy. Ecstasy certainly lowers ones inhibitions a little bit but one rarely does something that you would regret, it more lowers the walls just enough to peek over and see if you want to explore something new. It turns out we all enjoyed being physically and emotionally intimate with each other, in fact we continued the nude cuddle fest sober the next day when we were sober and continue to openly communicate about our desires, borders, and boundaries.

After a weekend of intimacy things between my partner and I are stronger than ever. Being able to explore physical contact with other people in front of each other actually has strengthened what we have, has sparked new conversation, and helped reassure each of us that we wouldn’t do anything to compromise our love. It really was practicing for the first time what I’ve discussed in the past. Sex, love, nudity, friendship, and intimacy are often all related but can all be mixed in different combinations based on the time, place, and people involved. There is no reason to limit yourself as long as you are openly communicating with each other and don’t harm. I would rather take some chances and take advantage of each moment instead of deciding to live my life the way I’m told is “proper”.

“Un-Memorizing the ‘Silence is Sexy’ Date Script” – Some Thoughts

One of the things I love about Facebook is it has allowed a diverse group of people to stay more intimately in my life than would otherwise be possible. People who I’ve met only superficially are able to passively share their interests and passions with me and from those interests valuable conversations can form. Yesterday this article was posted by someone who I have only met once or twice (in fact, I think I met her at a party to help send her to Burning Man in 2010 but I was embarrassingly drunk and hope she doesn’t really remember that). The article was then posted today by someone who I have a much stronger internet relationship with than I ever had with her in real life.

Well, I posted that article today after reading it and for once didn’t really know what I thought. I am pleased that a conversation developed on my wall among my diverse network and with it came links and resources for those interested in what was being discussed (it truly is a wonderful time to be alive). Anyway, here are some of the thoughts from my perspective. I am not far enough removed from my ego to clearly see this from another person’s perspective but maybe some day.

As an introvert it has always been a nerve-racking experience to navigate intimate interactions. I like explicit consent in all things but much of society tells us that men  need to be the aggressor and try to interpret puzzling (to me) signals that women give off. To be honest, I have no idea if eye-contact and a smile is really an invitation to say hi… or if a touch on the arm is flirting or something else… I already suck at it and the INTJ part of me fears making someone else uncomfortable way more than my own rejection. I am very comfortable alone and don’t mind going home from a bar or party by myself.

The internet has provided me with a way around that though. I can passively share my thoughts online which will attract those people who might be interested in similar things. While I don’t use my blog and FB to call out specific people, when I post polyamorous views, comfort with BDSM, and a sex-positive outlook it opens up dialogue between me and other people  (though bangwithfriends is still an awesome concept in my mind). But, in some ways I kind of view this as a cop out.

I still don’t approach women often or initiate any type of relationship. I often use my online openness as an excuse to be passive in real life by telling myself “they must not be interested or else they would say something”. There are still signals to navigate and games to play, but this article provide me with some good dialogue once intimacy has started and has also started online conversations around the issue of pressure placed on women to be the gatekeepers of sex and the social norm of men pushing the boundaries.

I love the idea of very explicit consent and I am glad these things are being talked about. I think more women would be open to expressing their sexuality if they knew that they wouldn’t be harshly judged by their partner(s) or friends. In the same vein, men (or at least I) would be more likely to approach women if we didn’t feel like every expression of interest was a huge inconvenience or would be interpreted as an attempt to use and abuse. Basically, I don’t want women to interpret my attraction or interest in intimacy as pressure or something chauvinistic.

I certainly would love it if we could send clear and concise signals in all situations. It would be absolutely fantastic to have a woman who was attracted to me to send me a FB message like “hey, you’re cute and I’d like to cuddle and kiss for a bit at some point” (or a more kinky couple to come up and say “hey, you and you’re girlfriend are cute, how about you two curl up with us and see how things go”) and know that all actions would be communicated clearly. As was pointed out by my friend, people into kink (particularly BDSM and polys) do have a more established culture of explicit consent and open communication, I can only hope that the internet age will usher this in for all intimate relationships because sex and love is awesome when all parties are open and satisfied.