I’m Just In It For The Banging

When I first openly called myself polyamorous I faced a common accusation… that it was just a way to justify having sex with multiple people. I objected pretty strongly to this accusation, afterall, I was already sexually open and saw no reason to hide my actions behind the veil of relationship. In fact, I stated that polyamory had nothing to do with sex and everything to do with love, but now I think I protested too much.

Now, I still believe that polyamory is more about love than sex, but sex is a small part of it because sex as a way of expressing your love and intimacy for a person. There are many people I love who I am not intimate with and because there is no intimacy (or desire for such) I don’t consider my relationship with them to be polyamorous. Sex can be a form of exercise, a way to blow off steam, explore curiosities, live in the moment, or it can be a way to become more intimate with a partner. That last option is where polyamory and sex link.

Polyamory is the realization that some people can romantically love multiple people at the same time. With that romantic love comes a desire for intimacy, which monogamy forbids. That desire for intimacy is a drive to be physically, as well as emotionally, close to someone and there are few (if any) better ways to be physically intimate than sex. So I guess polyamory isn’t about sex, but it certainly includes sex eventually.



I recently started watching the show “KinK” on Netflix. “KinK” is a Canadian documentary series that follows and interviews people who have lifestyles and fetishes that tend to run outside the mainstream. BDSM, cross-dressing, and polyamory are all highlighted in a realistic and oftentimes fascinating way.

While I’ve never been involved in much non-vanilla sex I do have an interest in it, just like I have an interest in everything, and this show has been a wonderful introduction. As a documentary the people involved are not actors, they are real people with bodies, minds, and emotions that are a fresh break from the choreographed sexuality of pornography and romantic comedies. You get to see real scenes in an informative way and come to understand the bond that is shared between the people who participate. There are many themes that run through the show (at least so far, I’m only on Season 1), but the primary ones seem to be hurting and harming are different, it is immoral to do anything without consent and immoral to prevent consenting adults from enjoying themselves, and the responsibility for communication and support does not end at the bedroom. Three things that I think all people can learn from.

I’m still not sure if the kinky lifestyle is for me but the people involved seem to be good people focused on communication, love, and safety. I’ve been to one BDSM club and in my natural introverted fashion I stayed on the edge and didn’t really do much, but I hope to explore a little more and find out what the world has to offer. I once had a pastor preach that being comfortable isn’t good or bad, it is neutral because you are being static and not challenging yourself. Being comfortable is necessary to refuel from time to time but I want more to life than refueling, and that means getting out there and figuring out where my limits are.

Anyway, if you have Netflix and are curious I recommend checking out the show. You just might learn something or a new experience might appeal to you.