For as long as I can remember I’ve had the strange fear that I am the butt of an elaborate inside joke. This fear (or paranoia) plays out in my head telling me there is something wrong with me that I don’t recognize but all my friends and partners are playing a joke on me. Usually I feel like I’m ugly and everyone knows it but pretends it isn’t true to laugh at me behind my back.
When I logically think about it it is ludicrous. I have had (and currently have) beautiful partners and I have some of the most caring and amazing friends who are full of love. There is no reason anyone could or would go out of their way to trick me.
Being a fan of self reflection I have been thinking a lot about why I feel the way I do when evidence points elsewhere. I think it comes down to a strong self centeredness. For me to feel this conspiracy exists I must believe that I am the central figure in many people’s lives. This is just simply not true. My friends do love me but they certainly do not think and act only based on me, and I wouldn’t want them to. My life is not The Truman Show.
I won’t even begin to venture a guess as to whether this is primarily nature or nurture but I have seen others exhibit actions that reflect this paranoia. People say or act as if the behavior, thoughts, and philosophies of another person are a direct reflection or attack on their own life. I don’t think any person has changed their behavior because of me but the spirit of self centeredness lives on.
I’m not sure what to really do about this yet. I think that self reflection is important to recognize the core issue and begin to address it. Recognition certainly helped me stop other negative feelings like jealousy and guilt. Hopefully it will help me continue to improve who I am as an individual by realizing my friends love me and I’m not their core.