It Isn’t Up To Me

My partner and I are occasionally in situations where people are more comfortable with non-monogamy than in average society. Sometimes it is a festival, Burning Man, or a small intimate gathering with like-minded people. Despite these non-traditional locations filled with open people there are still some reflections of our male-centric society.

In particular, people will ask me if they can do something physical with my partner*.

If you want to kiss her, ask her and not me. Her body is not mine, even though we are in a relationship. She is free to do what she wishes with other people, and if she does something that violates our agreed boundaries then that is between her and I. It isn’t between me and someone she may connect with because her commitment to me does not mean she defers to me when she wants to do something. I am, under no circumstances, someone who grants permission to her. She is still an autonomous person.

I guess some people may have the best intentions, but it isn’t their place to prevent her from cheating or betraying me. That is between her and I, though I doubt that would ever happen. We communicate and are open enough about our feelings that neither of us feel like our actions are being restrained by each other. But, if one of us did cheat it would not be an relationship extinction level event. We’d talk through it, figure out if there are some core issues that caused it (or if it was just a one time mistake) and correct our boundaries to make things work.

Each of us has “veto” power because our relationship with each other comes first, but that has never really been exercised. We trust each other. Jealousy comes from the unknown and when you know that your partner will tell you about any crush or kiss then there is no unknown, nothing to be jealous of.

Maybe this problem only manifests itself in this way with polyamorous, open relationships, and monogamish couples, but I think it exists in monogamous couples as well. People ask one partner if another person is allowed to do something. A partnership does not destroy autonomy. Being connected should make us stronger, give us more opportunities, and provide new experiences.

* The one situation where this doesn’t bother me is if I am friends with the person asking. I can understand checking in with me first to make sure our friendship won’t be compromised.

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