I’m having a bad day.
I feel drained, apathetic, and am just generally beating myself up. I feel like I have wasted moments of my life that I’ll never get back. I feel like I’m not living up to my potential. I feel like I piss away opportunities. The hours and days fly by me and I didn’t take advantage of them… instead I just burrowed into my blankets and sucked down another beer.
It seems like all my friends are doing great things. They are starting businesses, traveling the world, creating and inventing a better future. I am filled with all types of ideas and interests. I want to learn German. I want to start a children’s book series about our bicycle travels. I want to do some modifications to my bike trailer. I could exercise. It goes on and on and on… but I can’t seem to find the motivation. I often feel like it is too late to start or it will just be something that I fail at. Sometimes it feels like trying isn’t worth the effort because my history shows that I’ll just give up. I’ll get one super productive day in and then just spend the rest of the week dicking around on Facebook, wasting time on Hearthstone, and napping my life away. I can start a thousand projects and never finish one. Hell, I don’t even get 15% into one. My passion and drive just disappears after a day or two.
I know I am being irrational in a lot of ways, but that doesn’t make it feel less real or painful or depressing. I know that I see my friends doing a lot simply because I have ~2,500 Facebook friends. The law of large numbers virtually guarantees that something awesome is happening every day to a friend of mine. And I know we are kind of encouraged not to share the bad news in our lives. Everything is supposed to be fucking happy all the time… but damn it, sometimes I’m not happy.
I know that part of the problem is chemical. I’m recovering from overuse of serotonin after rolling this weekend. It always drains me for a couple of days. It always passes. But it still fucking brings tears to my eyes as I think about the time I’ve wasted… how much better my life could be if I stopped slacking. My hormones are already on a monthly cycle with periods of moodiness, insomnia, and near depression hitting every month.
Logically, I know my life is pretty awesome. My multi-year bicycle ride is starting up again soon and with it comes greater health, the three months of laziness burning up and firming my body and mind. With that health comes greater happiness as well. With that adventure comes the feeling that I am actually doing something of value in my life (even if I am the only one that gets any value from it).
I don’t know. I’m just having a shitty day. I just kind of feel alone.