Sexy Books

Unfortunately I probably won’t have a lot of time to blog this week. My boss is out of town, our accountant just pushed another baby out, and my office spouse had some surgery that involves her holding an ice pack to her groin for the next few days. Basically, I am the low man in the office but somehow I am in charge of this shit. There is a 50% chance I will accidentally burn the building to the ground… so yeah, I won’t have a lot of blog time.

So, instead of my regular ramblings I thought I would just list some awesome books about sex that my lovely follower might be interested in. As you probably know the subject of sex (and the taboo surrounding it) fascinates me, particularly with the increase of open relationships and polyamory that technology has allowed. I don’t really have an abnormal sex drive or anything, I just find the subject fascinating and enjoy studying it. And without further ado… here are my favorite sexy books (with my simplistic summaries):

Sex At Dawn: Definitely the most sciency of the books. The authors work against the parental investment theory that encourages human pair-bonding and monogamy. They use research into bonobos (our evolutionary cousins) and remaining hunter/gatherer tribes to argue humans are much more polyamorous than we are raised to believe. There is societal pressure for monogamy that is based more on those in power trying to control sex, but this monogamous pull may not be “natural”.

The Ethical Slut: This is the least sciency book in the series and still one I recommend EVERYONE read (seriously, I will buy you a copy and ship it to you… fucking read it). It discusses what sexually open people are and some advice for dealing with the struggles polyamorous and open relationships can bring. The authors are often funny, sometimes crass, but always entertaining. Read. This. Book.

What Do Women Want? This book is a middle ground between objective science and subjective stories. It is probably my favorite out of all the books due to it’s accessibility and tone. The author argues that the traditional story of women wanting a “one and only” lifelong mate does not hold up to scientific inquiry and it is dangerous to tell women there is something wrong with them if they desire sexual variety. The author discusses multiple studies on humans and our mammalian relatives, as well as interviews researchers and women who have cheated, desired to cheat, seek open relationships, and practice polyamory.

American Savage: This is kind of a sex book… it is a collection of essays by sex and relationship advice columnist Dan Savage. Just like his podcast it is funny but honest and there are no taboo subjects. This work is particularly personal for Savage and he discusses his marriage, raising a straight child, growing up in a Catholic home, etc. If you don’t listen to his podcast or read his column you should do that right now.

Bonus – The Lifestyle: A Look at the Erotic Rites of Swingers: I’m still reading this so I won’t recommend it strongly yet but so far I enjoy it. It is fascinating to me how common some form of extra-spousal relations happen in the middle class and how varied there are. Very few practitioners of “the lifestyle” participate in orgys, instead most of them just enjoy being in an erotic situation where some sort of voyeurism and exhibitionism is the norm. Some will have multiple sex partners but the lifestyle is more about being open, honest, and participating in something that helps prevent confusion, harm, and secrecy. So far I really like it. This is very similar to my personal experience in the Orgy Dome at Burning Man and intimate experiences with friends… it isn’t about sex, it is about deep honest connections where there is no taboo conversation.

Authenticity

“We think sometimes we’re only drawn to the good, but we’re actually drawn to the authentic. We like people who are real more than those who hide their true selves under layers of artificial niceties.” – Life Lessons by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross & David Kessler

 

I’ve often inquired about why certain people hang out with me, it is sort of a way I reflect on myself and seek improvement. I’m not exceptionally nice or attractive, I’m far from wealthy, and while I think I am pretty smart I have not really come up with anything groundbreaking or particularly creative. I have often been told that I’m authentic though, and I guess there is something there that attracts people.

I guess it makes sense from an evolutionary level. It is better to be surrounded by people who are mean but you can trust to act as they say they will act instead of “nice” people who may not be authentic. Most of the women in my life are very aware that I would enjoy adding a sexual element to our relationship, and yet I am not seen as crass or chauvinistic. I think this open honesty also accurately tells them that I would never be dishonest or deceitful or take advantage of them. Authenticity shows that our desires do not control our actions, that we will not compromise our integrity for short term gain.

I think there is the same danger with recognizing authenticity within oneself as recognizing any other trait. It can become a role that you take on and utilize for its own sake. You can become “the authentic one” and define your life by an unending pursuit of authenticity. Then it loses it’s appeal, just like a person who loves cooking soon defines themselves as “chef” or a person who sees the benefit defines themselves as “yogi”. Instead of using these different tools to become our true selves we use them as a mask over our true selves.

I don’t really have a conclusion to this post. I’m now reading “Life Lessons” and so far it is really good. I think many people could benefit from a little reflection on what wisdom can be gleaned from those who are on the edge of life.

Quick Book Quote

A quote sent to me from one of my partners. It is from the book “The Wise Man’s Fear” by Patrick Rothfuss.

“It is easier to understand if you think of it in terms of music. Sometimes a man enjoys a symphony. Elsetimes he finds a jig more suited to his taste. The same holds true for lovemaking. One type is suited to the deep cushions of a twilight forest glade. Another comes quite naturally tangled in the sheets of narrow beds upstairs in inns. Each woman is like an instrument, waiting to be learned, loved, and finely played, to have at last her own true music made.

Some might take offense at this way of seeing things, not understanding how a trouper views his music. They might think I degrade women. They might consider me callous, or boorish, or crude.

But those people do not understand love, or music, or me.”

Book Quotes

From “Shantaram” by Gregory David Roberts – one of two physical books I have brought with me, thanks for the copy of this Dagny.

“The past reflects eternally two mirrors – the bright mirror of words and deeds, and the dark one, full of things we didn’t do or say”

“The world and I aren’t on speaking terms. The world keeps trying to win me back but it doesn’t work. I guess I’m not the forgiving type.”

Book Quote #3

Two goodies today that stood out from “Days of War, Nights of Love”

“Youth is a time when you should be reevaluating the assumptions and traditions of older generations, when you should be willing to set yourself apart from those who have come before and create an identity of your own. But in our society, “youthful rebellion” has become a ritual: every generation is expected to revolt against the social order for a few years, before “growing up” and “accepting reality.” This negates any power for real change that the fresh perspective of youth could have; for now rebellion is “just for kids,” and no young person dares to maintain their resistance into adulthood for fear of being thought of as childish.”

“And indeed if we were to stop and ponder the subject, perhaps we would find that when we seriously consider the limits of our time on this planet, keeping up with television comedies and having a good resume seem less important than they did before. Our cultural silence about human mortality allows us to forget how much weight the individual moments of our lives carry, adding up as they do to our lives themselves. Thus we may squander countless hours watching television or balancing checkbooks–hours that in retrospect we might have done better to have spent walking on the sea shore with our loved ones, cooking gourmet meals for our children or friends, writing fiction, or hitchhiking across South America. The reality of our future death is not easy for any of us to come to terms with, but it is surely better that we consider this now than regret not doing so later when it is too late.”

Book Quote #2

On the use of psychedelics to help ease the pain of dying for cancer patients…

“The current political and administrative hindrances that prevent hundreds of thousands of terminal patients from benefiting from this remarkable procedure are unneccessary, indefensible, and even inhumane. Overcautious administrators and legislators have raised many objections against the use of psychedelics in other populations, such as patients with emotional and psychosomatic disorders, mental health professionals, artists, and clergy. Such opposition is absurd, particularly in time-limited, life-threatening situations where the problems involved are so serious that even the taboo against the use of really dangerous and highly addictive narcotics has been lifted.”

– Dr. Stanislov Grof

A quote that caught my eye…

“We realize that by always orienting ourselves toward future achievements, we have never lived in the present and, in a sense, never really fully lived at all. The larger the scope of various existential crutches we have managed to accumulate, the more we have to let go of, and the harder the process of dying will be for us.”

– The Ultimate Journey, Stanislav Grof