5 Discussions For Intimate Moments

My partner and I have gone to a local BDSM club a couple of times now to enjoy cheap drinks, a drag king show, and just the general sexually charged atmosphere. This particular club has several play rooms filled with equipment that people are free to use if they wish. I’ve never actually seen anyone having sex (I don’t even know if that is allowed to be honest) but I have seen several scenes where people are being flogged, whipped, tied up, and in various other kinky situations. While the club and situations are awesome they themselves actually attract a fairly niche audience, what isn’t unique is the rules that are announced and plastered all over the venue. Kinksters are very good at communicating and this particular venue has five rules for scenes that I think should be explicitly discussed for all intimate sessions whether they are kinky, vanilla, monogamous, swingers, polyamorous, orgies, or whatever.

Discussion 1: What are you into?
Sadly most people do not openly discuss with their partner(s) what they are into. This can be anything from something you know works for you or can be something you are just curious about. If you are comfortable enough to put your penis in someone, rub on or against someone sexually, or have a penis placed inside of you then you should be comfortable enough to talk about what you enjoy first. If you can’t talk about what you like and enjoy the experience then what is the point?

Discussion 2: What don’t you like?
Which brings us to the next discussion, what don’t you like? This can be full on “hell no I would never allow that to happen” to “hmm, maybe under the right circumstances”. Having this discussion helps remove any type of confusion that can happen in the middle of fun. Sometimes body language can be misinterpreted but if hard no’s are discussed ahead of time it can prevent discomfort and confusion.

Discussion 3: Are there any health issues?
It may not be the most comfortable subject but health issues should be discussed in any intimate environment. This can be everything from HIV status to what form of barrier or birth control is going to used. The last thing anyone would want to happen is one person to think condoms are going to be used and the other person has a latex allergy that wasn’t discussed ahead of time. It is much better to be aware and prepare for health issues before the clothes come off.

Discussion 4: Safe Words.
Sometimes the action needs to slow down or stop, even during vanilla relationships. Having key words or signals that can work to signal to your partner is incredibly important. Red (stop everything) and Yellow (slow it down a bit) are commonly used in kink play. Some people also prefer words like “banana” that can be a little funny and really can’t be confused with any other word. If you are in a situation where you can’t talk for some reason it is important to develop a non-verbal signal, like holding onto an item that you drop if things need to stop.

Discussion 5: Aftercare.
This is probably the least discussed but it is incredibly important to prevent post-coital discomfort or confusion. Some people need cuddling while some need to be alone. We all operate differently and establishing aftercare expectations allows everyone to know what is coming… which allows for increased comfort between partners and better future experiences.

So, I hope that no matter what type of relationships you have you are open and communicate your needs from start to finish. Have fun out there everyone! 🙂

Poly/Mono Relationships

Yesterday I had planned on writing a post about the role patience has played in my poly life but that has changed. In preparation for that post I did my normal half-ass Google search of relevant topics and came upon an article called “I’m monogamous, and I’ve fallen for someone who’s polyamorous!”… and man, it is fantastic. If you have even the remotest interest in poly relationships I highly recommend you check it out. I wish I would have read it months ago. My partner wishes she had access to it months ago. Many of my dear friends loved it as well. Seriously… read it now.

 

 

Well, now that you may or may not have read that article I want to tell you about the early stages of my current relationship. I identify as polyamorous but my partner does not. She is much more monogamous than me and that caused a lot of tension in the early part of our relationship and that is mostly my fault.

When I first “discovered” polyamory I was thrilled. For years I had been operating under three rules of what I called “responsible non-monogamy”. I’d tried monogamy and it felt wrong. I felt like something was seriously wrong with me so instead of dating anyone I just built friendships and had sex with those who knew my three rules. It wasn’t completely satisfying but it felt closer to natural than closed monogamy did. So, when I stumbled across the word and concept of polyamory I was like a kid in a candy shop… and in many ways I made myself sick by diving in too quickly.

I had found a rational justification for how I felt and instead of recognizing that some people are actually geared towards monogamy I tried to lay out arguments convincing my two partners that they shouldn’t ever feel jealousy, anger, or frustration and that their concerns about limited time and resources were unfounded. I thought I could have it all and I saw everyone else as being wrong for not seeing things my way (as a libertarian I’ve made similar mistakes when trying to share that philosophy). I was wrong though… and quite frankly, I was a jackass and I almost lost my amazing partner.

After several rough months filled with arguments, disagreement, frustrations, and a break up I learned my lesson and came to many of the same conclusions as the author of the article. Communication is absolutely necessary for any relationship, especially polyamory, but so is patience and compromise. As Cathy from “Sex and the State” said on my Facebook wall, “If you want absolute freedom be single. If you are willing to do some compromising then be in a relationship.” Voluntarily giving up some of your freedom and allowing another human some control over your life is hard for anyone, particularly libertarian anarchists. That level of vulnerability is necessary though for all relationships to be healthy. I still don’t believe in sacrificing yourself for another or pretending to be something you aren’t, but compromise is necessary and in the end satisfying because as trust and love is built more opportunities present itself. As Pervertically Virtuous put it:

“I have agreed to let him slowly grow into my level of openness because he’s the closest to my ideal partner I’ve ever met, and he’s shown willingness to venture out beyond his comfort zone. So I thought he deserves that chance.

Although my freedom is somewhat curtailed, I have plenty of maneuvering space. Enough so, that the other benefits of being in this relationship outweigh the costs of not having complete, absolute freedom.”

And now, that is what I have in my amazing partner. I’m glad she isn’t 100% in line with me because that forces me to challenge myself and understand others. She is a constant support of challenge, support, friendship, love, and openness…. and she is flexible, open to new things, curious, and trusts me. We have established boundaries, we discuss our desires, and we have found a way to make things work. I’m sure I will make mistakes again and our relationship differences will continue to be the subject of much discussion, debate, and compromise, but we are moving forward with baby-steps and patience on all sides. I truly couldn’t have dreamed of a better outcome.

Leg 3: Sparse Populations = Open Sky Banging

The third leg of the trip should take us out of the mountains and into the Great Plains. Throughout Wyoming, Colorado, Nebraska, both Dakotas, and into Iowa there will be days without major populations centers but some pretty decent flatlands. This will take some preparation to make sure we have the food and water necessary for each day but I am confident we can handle it. Overall we are looking at 2100 miles and about 40 days… but all plans are tentative and depend on the awesomeness that may come our way. Some highlights include:

• The awesomeness of Denver
• Kat Humphries
• Mount Rushmore
• Cuddle Shop
• Jubilee Days in Laramie, Wyoming
• Bob Kerrey Pedestrian Bridge
• Beaver Lake State Park
• Crazy Horse Memorial
• Being half the population of the state of North Dakota for a few days

If you have recommendations for this approximate route I’d love to hear them… or if you want to host or know someone with a soft couch we are also always looking for new friends and family.

A Quote

I love the following quote. I’m still figuring out my position on it and everything… I think there is a lot you can draw from it, but I just wanted to throw it out there to the interwebs (h/t http://zakslayback.com/).

“Immature people falling in love destroy each other’s freedom, create a bondage, make a prison. Mature persons in love help each other to be free; they help each other to destroy all sorts of bondages. And when love flows with freedom there is beauty. When love flows with dependence there is ugliness. 

A mature person does not fall in love, he or she rises in love. Only immature people fall; they stumble and fall down in love. Somehow they were managing and standing. Now they cannot manage and they cannot stand. They were always ready to fall on the ground and to creep. They don’t have the backbone, the spine; they don’t have the integrity to stand alone. 

A mature person has the integrity to stand alone. And when a mature person gives love, he or she gives without any strings attached to it. When two mature persons are in love, one of the great paradoxes of life happens, one of the most beautiful phenomena: they are together and yet tremendously alone. They are together so much that they are almost one. Two mature persons in love help each other to become more free. There is no politics involved, no diplomacy, no effort to dominate. Only freedom and love.”

— Osho

Epic Body Love

I’ve written in this blog before about body positivity and self love (both in general and as a male), and I’ve even taken my pasty white body out into the world to spread the message, but my work pales in comparison to Nick Gilronin.

Gilronan recently walked away with the title “Smallest Penis in Brooklyn” and he conducted an inspiring interview with the Gothamist. Even for someone as body-positive as me this is incredibly inspiring. Here is a man who is so comfortable with his body that he is willing to display a part of him that has often been used to judge a man’s masculinity and worth, and it is an admittedly small part. When asked if he thought small dicks have a bad rep he had this to say:

“Yes. That’s the media’s fault, I think. For both men and women, they push out images of people who just aren’t regular normal people. The size of a man’s penis does not matter for who he is as a person or in a relationship. Same thing with breast size. We’re all made in different shapes and sizes, but the media puts pressure on people to look a certain way. Most people do not look that way. Some people let that false sense of body image upset them and they shouldn’t be upset at all. Even worse, some people use those false standards and judge other people. It’s disconcerting.”

Agreed. It is disconcerting. I understand the natural inclination to judge someone based on quick glances, it is an evolutionary trait that has allowed our species to evolve, but part of being human means holding ourselves to a higher standard than nature. Our moral code shouldn’t only be grounded in what is “natural” but should surpass it. Particularly when the standard is a false one marketed to us by social pressures.

I don’t know for sure if men suffer the same pressure for our penises that women do for their breasts. Penises are generally hidden while breasts are on display, and in general women tend to be held to a higher physical standard than men and judged more harshly. His point is relevant though, we are all held to judgments when we shouldn’t be and you might be surprised when you get to know him. Like Gilronin said, some people are “growers not showers” and you might be surprised about how impressive someone is (phallicwise and otherwise) if you look past first impressions.

Crushes

My partner and I recently spent some time talking about our crushes. We’ve reached a point in our relationship where feelings for other people are not a threat, instead we view them as simply a natural part of being human. No matter what your relationship status or orientation you will be attracted to somebody besides your partner. That attraction will also take many forms from carnal sexual to even love. This is normal, this is natural, and to deny it causes unnecessary stress to yourself and your relationships. That is why my partner and I choose to openly discuss our crushes and determine whether or not any steps need to be taken beyond discussion.

In our recent discussion we realized that crushes kind of manifest themselves in some different ways. Though we both have celebrity crushes (Ke$ha… swoon). My partners crushes tend to be towards females, casual flirts (like a particular employee at a grocery store), or non-sexual male crushes. Her crushes tend to be more fantasy based, something that in reality couldn’t happen. At least this is my interpretation of her thoughts, I’m sure she will correct me if/when I’m wrong.

For me crushes tend to fall into two categories: celebrity/fantasy and real people I know. The real people I know are those who I actually think something physical (at least) could happen if the situation was right. Whether they are friends or colleagues, these are people I find myself attracted to on several levels that part of me hopes will manifest itself in some way in the future. My partner knows the names of my crushes, and I think that helps prevent any problems. She knows that if anything were to be developed she would know about it and would be likely invited. Communication is so key.

During our discussion we also discovered what we call “couple crushes”. These are feelings for two people as a unit (though the attraction may work them as individuals as well). Couple crushes may not be as sexual for me as other crushes but they certainly can have that element, particularly as discussions of being more intimate with others continues to come up. A “couple crush” seems like the ideal way to slowly transition into more intimate and sexual encounters because there is an attraction, trust can be built, and an established friendship can prevent awkwardness or misunderstanding if things don’t work out.

I think all relationships benefit when we acknowledge that crushes exist but are not a threat when they aren’t hidden. Problems only arise when there is deception or people feel the need to hide their normal and natural feelings. When my partner crushes on someone I smile and talk to her about it, and she does the same to me. Maybe these crushes will manifest into something, but it is more likely they won’t. To me the unknown is often much scarier than the known, openness and honesty breeds trust and love… we are humans, we have feelings, and those feelings extend to many people at many times. Love is not something that can be, or should be, caged in.

My First Piercing

I’ve found myself increasingly interested in body modification in the last few years and last month decided to get a piercing. Of course I decided to go with something less than standard and I got an Apadravya (it is a genital piercing so probably NSFW to google). I originally planned on keeping my piercing kind of a secret but after reading some blog posts I realized there might be people out there who learn from my experience. Also, I’ve found myself willing to send pictures to anyone who was curious or wanted to see it so there are just a ton of pictures out there. So yeah, here is a nice summary of the piercing and first two weeks of healing. There will be somewhat graphic medical descriptions of bodily processes so get ready for that.

Before getting the piercing I asked some trusted friends for recommendations. I ended up going with Roger at Ancient Adornments in Los Angeles. I’m incredibly happy with this decision, Roger was fantastic through the whole process and continues to be a source of information when I need it. After emailing with Roger a few times we settled on a date for me to come in, he advised a Friday to give me a whole weekend to heal and I took his advice.

So, at 8:30pm on Friday night I arrived for my piercing. My partner and two other friends were with me during the whole process and I’m glad they were there. After Roger briefed me and cleaned the area the piercing began and it was the single most painful experience in my life. In fact, I passed out cold from the pain. I’ve passed out several times in my life so I kind of felt it coming but I was happy when I awoke to see that Roger really knew what he was doing. He had me laid back with cold compresses and gave me all the time I needed to rest up. My partner was there holding my hand and the other two ladies were chatting calmly. I guess waking up with my pants around my ankles next to three hot girls isn’t so bad.

After I was all wrapped up Roger gave me care instructions and I was on my way. I was told to take pain pills as needed, wash regularly with my normal soap (Dr. Bronners), soak the piercing for 10 minutes daily in warm water, and to use emu oil on the lower ball to help the process. I’ve been pretty good with all the instructions and at the end of two weeks it is feeling pretty good.

The first weekend though was kind of rough. It was definitely uncomfortable, especially during urination. This was a very good lesson in the importance of hydration. Any day I didn’t urinate regularly resulted in discomfort and pain when I finally did. The first 2 days also had some blood during urination but that stopped pretty quickly. Erections have been pretty awful though and ejaculation was impossible until about the 5th day. It is still uncomfortable to masturbate but that discomfort can be overcome… probably because of the pleasure from masturbation.

By the beginning of week 2 I stopped feeling any pain during urination or ejaculation but there is still discomfort and pressure. Sexual activity of any kind with a partner was not possible simply because she couldn’t feel what I feel and any improper movement was painful. But of course you can still have a good time enjoying each other even if I am the only one that can touch myself.

Now we are at the end of week 2 and things are pretty good. Intercourse is still not an option but light oral and manual stimulation with a partner is possible. Urination and masturbation are now not really a problem at all with only mild discomfort during erection. Basically things are slowly getting back to normal and the healing process has been pretty smooth.

I am really happy I got this piercing. Aesthetically I think it looks awesome and I am already starting to benefit from the physical sensations. Any vibration or stimulation effects the inner nerves of the penis head and it feels absolutely fantastic. The top ball also rubs on the female’s g-spot giving my partner greater pleasure as well. I’m pretty anxious to get it all healed up and try it out completely. Until then I will just heal up enjoy the new positive feelings each day.

 

Leg 2: From Mounties to Mormons

The second leg takes us over the Rockies into Calgary and south along a rocky path towards the Great Salt Lake. I’m estimating 30 days and about 1800 miles for this but I think that is too short. We only have 5 locations where we are staying multiple days (Calgary, Missoula, Yellowstone, Idaho Falls, and Salt Lake City) but with all the mountains we may not be able to pull loner distance days. Here are some of the highlights:

• Shuswap Lake Monster
• My brother, sister-in-law, and niece (yep, there is another generation of Neigers)
• Hot springs
• Blayne Bennett
• Yellowstone National Park
• Largest collection of vacuum devices
• Salt Lake

If you have recommendations for this approximate route I’d love to hear them… or if you want to host or know someone with a soft couch we are also always looking for new friends and family.

Second Class Citizen

Second Class Citizen: A second-class citizen is a person who is systematically discriminated against within a state or other political jurisdiction, despite their nominal status as a citizen or legal resident there. While not necessarily slaves, outlaws or criminals, second-class citizens have limited legal rights, civil rights and economic opportunities, and are often subject to mistreatment or neglect at the hands of their putative superiors. (from Wikipedia)

I am a white male… and I am not a second-class citizen. That statement might be obvious to most people but apparently Suzanne Venker sees a war on men that is invisible to the masses. While I originally was too angry and annoyed with Venker’s post I have decided to respond as a white male who disagrees.

First (and maybe most importantly), to call men “second class citizens” is an insult to people who have endured systematic abuse and mistreatment in the past. There is no legal system that discriminates against me due to my gender. I don’t worry that being attractive will get me fired or being unattractive will prevent me from getting a job. People do not assume that I have a lower paying job in an office simply because of my gender. I don’t worry the police are going to shake me down or harass me because of the color of my skin. Venker’s statement that “the White American Male must fight his way through a litany of taunts, assumptions and grievances about his very existence” is not true in my personal experience. Maybe Venker has some scientific studies to back up her points but she certainly isn’t sharing them.

Venker states that male bashing is “rampant and irrefutable” within sitcoms and in the media in general. American men are pounced on and dads are portrayed as idiots. While there are certainly many dumb and loving dads in sitcoms it is intellectually dishonest to use this as the sole media measure as how men are treated poorly in the media. I don’t watch a lot of sitcoms but I know some do include “dumb dads” but they also tend to portray stereotypes that greatly benefit men. Parks and Recreation, King of the Hill, The Simpsons, and Modern Family all include men who could be seen as overweight with wives who are “eye candy”… I can’t think of a single instance where an overweight female is married to a fit/sexy man in a sitcom (please correct me if I’m wrong). TV is fiction, it is flawed, and it gives people fantasy versions of reality… but it is not attacking men. Men’s roles may be changing but that change is not necessarily bad or “war”.

After Venker’s two sentence no proof attack on media she starts blaming schools from Kindergarten to college. She says that curriculum are centered on girls, rather than boys (citation needed). She also takes issue with Title IX in college and gives a couple of vague examples of the negative consequences of IX. I agree that there are problems in our public education system, but those problems are not because of some sort of secret liberal attack on masculinity. The problems stem from trying to find universal solutions to complex institutional issues. We desperately need more innovation, experimentation, and adaptation to the modern age in education. We need colleges to be able to specialize and assist students to find what they are passionate about, what they can use in a future career, and teach them to know the difference between the two.

Yes, the pendulum has swung away from a hard-core “Man’s world”, and in some cases I believe things have gone wrong, but overall the changes in society have been positive. The world isn’t “Man’s world vs Woman’s world” it is “A world where we are treated as individuals vs a world where we are treated based on our genitalia”. Venker’s hyperbolic spew does nothing to make the world a freer, more equitable, peaceful, or prosperous society… quite the opposite, it only reinforces tribalism based on what is between our legs and attempts to maintain a failing, sexist, discriminatory social order.

Leg 1: West Coast, Best Coast

Starting today I’ve decided to try to do a weekly breakdown of my upcoming year-long bicycle ride. Anna and I will be leaving next April after the Lucidity Festival and ride 50-100 miles a day or so visiting the lower 48 states, a few Canadian provinces, and whatever cities and sites we decide are interesting. We are encouraging people to ride with us for as much as they can (more on that in another post) and are basically living by Burning Man’s 10 Principles, particularly Gifting, Radical Inclusion, Radical Self-Reliance, Immediacy, and Leaving No Trace.

 

So, here is our beautiful tentative Leg 1 Route. It is about 2,000 miles and will take about 50 days (including days off in cities we want to explore).

Of course, any of this could change on a day-to-day basis but this route allows us to visit sites and people that are interesting to us. Here is a short list of some of the things we are looking forward to seeing/experiencing:

• Lucidity Festival
• San Francisco (Golden Gate Bridge, Alcatraz, etc)
• Six Flags Discovery Kingdom
• Lots of breweries and wineries
• Redwoods
• Crater Lake
• Proxy Falls
• Multnomah Falls
• Red & Black Cafe
• MxPx Hometown
• Space Needle
• Point Roberts

If you have recommendations for this approximate route I’d love to hear them… or if you want to host or know someone with a soft couch we are also always looking for new friends and family.